Actor, producer author Darryl Stephens, known for his iconic role as Noah on the mega-hit TV show ‘Noah’s ARC’, sits down with OBVIOUS’ Editor in Chief, Jerris Madison to discuss his new book entitled, “Required Reading: How To Get Your Life For Good“, racism, financial hardships and finding love. The book is bold and very transparent.

Beyoncé is a gay icon. I’m just an openly gay actor and writer.

 

How did you come up with the title of your latest book?

I knew I wanted the word READ in the title. The word can mean multiple things depending on its context and the book touches on a lot of them. Those of us belonging to marginalized communities often have to “read a room” to determine how much of our authentic selves we can safely share. We’ve learned to silently observe and then sum up our surroundings because our well-being depended on it. Either because we were black in an environment where we weren’t welcome, or we were gay in a place that was equally hostile, or both… Being black and gay requires us to constantly be observing and adjusting. So that’s one version of “required reading.”

Also… in queer black culture, to “read someone” means to fiercely scrutinize them and then comment on their appearance, behavior, or circumstances with a witty insult. Because of our station in American society, most of us have gotten good at making light of painful realities. Humorous insults can be seen as love taps if you’re in the company of friends because we’ve developed a thick skin to cope with the world around us. However, at some point, the colored queer art of throwing shade and dragging folks crossed into pop culture, and now everyone–from the Real Housewives to pop stars to presidential candidates–gets celebrated for how bitchy and disrespectful they can be. This book is an invitation to use our powers of scrutiny and humor in more constructive ways. Let’s stop insulting one another and figuring out ways to unapologetically lift one another up. Black gay folks are getting hit from both sides… so we really need to be sharing our stories and embracing one another with empathy and understanding. I’m talking about a new version of reading… Like saying, “I see you and I know what you’re going through and we are in this together.” It seems revolutionary, but I think it’s absolutely necessary right now.

Though it is a little academic and verbose in spots, I wasn’t sure about calling my own book “Required Reading” because it sounded a little cocky like I thought I had all the answers. I know that I don’t… but I do think we need to keep sharing our truths.

Why was it important to write “Required Reading: How To Get Your Life For Good”?

Since Noah’s Arc first aired, I’ve had people asking me questions about how to go about living their black gay lives. From the moment I started speaking about living honestly and openly, people were treating me as an expert on all things black and gay. I obviously only know what my own experience has showed me and what other writers have helped me understand. But based on the way people were responding to my replies to their queries, I began to think that my perspective on the topics in question might be worthwhile to a lot of folks. Sometimes, when I’m trying to get through messages on my Facebook page, I don’t have time to be too detailed in my responses. This book is essentially an answer to every question people have asked me on social media.

Many of the issues I’d been asked to expand on in those private messages involved overcoming feelings of shame. I felt it was really important to let young people–and others–know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with them… That being gay is just as natural and beautiful as anything else… And that any shame we feel is inflicted upon us by people who want to control us because they don’t understand us. But we have no obligation to give into that shame. We are just as deserving of love and happiness as anyone else, just the way we are. Because people were viewing me as someone who had it all worked out, I wanted to let them know how my experience had impacted my thinking and my approach to working it all out.

How is this book different from your previous book?

Well, SHORTCOMINGS is a novel. While there are some very personal themes in that book, the story is all from my imagination. Even the parts that are loosely based on things that actually happened to me are fictionalized to the point of being barely recognizable.

I had been wrestling with some writers block on my follow-up to the first novel when my friend Josh suggested I write an advice book instead. While working on REQUIRED READING, I realized that some of the themes I was working so hard at embedding into a fictional story were much easier to communicate by just sharing my own experience honestly. I’m very private, so I’m more likely to express my feelings with a character than to have my personal business in the streets. But this process was actually very therapeutic. Cathartic. Getting things out on paper allows you to let them go… And I think this book gives readers permission to do the same. Many of us are so traumatized by being black and gay in America, we hardly even understand the damage we need to be working to undo. I hope this book gives folks some ideas on how they can start healing.

In the book, you talked about your relationship with your stepfather. How has he impacted your life?

My stepfather taught me that not everyone is going to like you or what you’re doing, and that’s okay. Work hard, stay true to yourself, and let those who can’t appreciate you wander away. Life is too short to be trying to please everyone.

Being seen as a Gay icon is a huge compliment. What does that mean to you?

Beyoncé is a gay icon. I’m just an openly gay actor and writer. Some people may see me as a role model, which is a huge compliment. I feel like my generation of gay men was robbed of most of our role models by the HIV/AIDS epidemic. People my age heard about all the beautiful souls that we lost to the disease, but we didn’t really get to hear much about what they had learned before they left. I think it’s important for young folks to have someone they identify with, who looks like them and speaks their language, to point at and say, “He or she did it. I can do it, too.” For me, that means staying socially engaged, educating and uplifting when I can, and living my life with integrity. As far as I’m concerned, we ALL need to be just as involved in gay issues as we are in the Black Lives Matter movement, and issues surrounding women’s reproductive rights and equal pay, and trans rights and liberation, and immigration reform, and education, etc. These issues are all intertwined and symptoms of the same oppressive system of classist, heterosexist, cis-gender, white male supremacy. Being a role model to me means openly trying to make the world a better place and showing others by example how they might do the same.

Why was it important to discuss your financial hardships in the book?

A lot of people have written me, asking how to become an actor. My response is usually about studying the craft and then finding platforms to share their talent. But what I rarely have an opportunity to discuss is that this life is HARD. Most actors are not making a living as actors. We have side gigs and student loan bills and bounced rent checks, just like everyone else. I feel it’s just as important to acknowledge the challenges of supporting ourselves financially as it is to point out the challenges of being black and gay in a racist, homophobic society. Again, I think it’s all connected. Most of us come from families trapped in generational poverty. The prison industrial complex continues to dismantle black families, like slavery and Jim Crow have since this country was founded. Most of us didn’t have families paying for our college and our cars and our first houses and whatnot… while the people we’re expected to compete with in the job market did. And while black folks continue to struggle to overcome disadvantages that are structural and systemic, we’re also obsessed with buying THINGS and showing off labels and having the most expensive version of whatever is hot right now. That’s always been silly to me. We have so much work to do on ourselves before we start spending what little money we have on labels. I thought being candid about my financial struggles might help people put things into perspective. Supporting ourselves financially is a very real struggle in this country. Knowing that the dude you used to watch on that TV show has struggled too may give someone out there permission to ask for help or to spend that paycheck more sensibly.

You stated in the book dating is very challenging for you. Is it because you live in Los Angeles, famous, or something else?

I have been booed up for most of my adult life. I don’t excel at dating, per se, but I do manage to find myself in long term relationships. I think a lot of my challenges have to do with my own approach. I’m very particular about certain things and then I happily overlook other things. I mention this in the book, but I think the problem has largely been about the fact that I haven’t been clear with myself, or them, about what I want for the long term. I think these days, romance is much harder to come by. We’re all about convenience and expedience. We’ve stopped taking the time to get to know each other. And in LA, there’s always this sense that the person you’re talking to is looking over your shoulder for someone taller or more muscular with more influence in a more expensive car. Everyone here is looking for a big break. I’m just looking for a good man. Well, I’m not anymore. I was…

Ideal date?

I like dates that allow us to explore common interests or share new things with one another. Movies are always fun, but political rallies, music shows, or a trip to the bookstore can be just as enjoyable. I don’t need anyone spending tons of money. In fact, I prefer more low-key activities, because it feels less like a performance. An ideal date allows both parties to feel comfortable and maybe even learn something about the other. I like going someplace where we can hold hands or rest our legs against one another… and smile into one another’s eyes.

Favorite food?

I live in Hollywood, darling. We don’t eat.

After writing “Required Reading”, what did you learn about yourself?

I learned that every experience we have has an impact on the person we become. It is, therefore, important for us to surround ourselves with people who are supportive and who share similar goals, and to focus our work on things that mean something to us and those we love. There are lots of people who are lost. Being mindful of the legacy we leave is crucial.

I also learned that I have had a role in every success and every failure in my life. Playing the victim makes it too easy to shirk responsibility for our own selfishness or shortsightedness. We must all start looking at our behavior and taking into consideration how our actions influence our circumstances.

What do you hope the reader will get out of such a personal memoir?

I hope people can relate to my experience in a way that alleviates whatever shame or fear they’ve had about their own lives. I had initially set out to write sort of an expanded advice column. I was going to list questions I’d been asked and just answer them. But as I was sharing my views, I realized that readers would need context before they took anything I said to heart. I’m not a behavioral therapist or a psychologist, so why should anyone take my advice on a subject without first understanding how I came to my own perspective? Once I decided to get personal, it all just flowed out.

I hope this book encourages others to share their stories. One of the ways America has erased us is by taking away our humanity. They’ve branded us “animals” or “sick” or “sinners.” But anything we are, they made us that way. The truth is, we wake up in the morning needing to pee, just like everyone else. We struggle in our relationships and get into arguments with our siblings like everyone else. We can take back our humanity by sharing our stories. They may write us out of the history textbooks, but they can’t keep us quiet forever. We need to be sharing our stories, claiming our truths, and living authentic, honest lives without apology. Hiding because of the shame they imposed on us is only feeding the sickness they’ve assigned to us. In order for us to get well, to be free, we have to start being honest.

Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr or Instagram? Why?

They’re all very specific in their functions. Tumblr is fun because it’s visual, but you can also include music and video and gifs. Instagram is easy: Take a photo, share it. There was a point when I was trying to be more artistic in the photos I shared, but people seem more interested in just seeing me sitting at Starbucks. Twitter is a fantastic medium for sharing information. I tend to be more political on Twitter. I think a few of my followers there don’t even know I’m an actor. Facebook is a lot of work… But it’s also the place where you can get to really check people out.

Social media can warrant the good and bad responses from strangers. How do you respond to “trolls” on social media?

I am real quick to block people on Twitter. Because I’m more political there, I hear from religious fanatics and racists and homophobes every now and then. I only engage them long enough to determine if they’re just looking for attention or if their question is based in legitimate ignorance. I don’t mind teaching if people are willing to learn. But if they give me any reason to believe they’re only trying to get a rise, I’ll just block them. A lot of people are just sitting at home, talking shit, and starting trouble, but the grown-ups have real work to do. Be gone.

You’re asked about Noah’s ARC quite often. If the opportunity arises for the show to come back, would you accept the offer?

The money would have to be cute and the script would need to be really tight. I think we got away with a lot because we were so new at the time. The movie was seven years ago, so there would really need to be a great reason to bring these guys back. Quiet as it’s kept, there has been at least one conversation. But it was a while ago and I’ve learned not to hold my breath…

On Twitter, you are very outspoken about social issues here in the United States. What change(s) would you like to see?

White supremacy is built into the social, economic, and political structure of this country. For any real progress to be made here, that structure would need to be completely dismantled. That would mean police officers being held accountable for killing unarmed black people. That would mean people of color no longer getting longer prison sentences for the same crimes. That would mean women making equal wages for the same job. That would mean the ethnicity/gender identity/sexuality of our government officials would need to reflect the populations they claim to represent. Until rich white men are no longer making the rules and writing the history books, there will be no justice.

What’s your stance on the Black Gay community and the Black church?

I don’t have a particular stance of the black gay community and the Black Church. As long as everyone is respecting everyone else, I don’t see why we can’t all get along. Obviously, I expand on this in the book, but the short answer would be: stop teaching gay children to hate themselves, that they are sinners, that they are sick and going to hell, and everything will be fine. I’m not sure the Black Church has a monopoly on that kind of bullshit, but I’d love to see them get over it. Like, NOW.

What career move(s) do you have planned?

I’m writing movie scripts, books, and acting in a couple films. But I’m ready for a real TV job. I’m getting close. I can feel it. It’s just a matter of time…

Anything you would like to add to this interview?

Thank you so much for reading the book, arranging this interview, and the photo shoot with Dexter. He’s fantastic.

Where can readers purchase “Required Reading: How To Get Your Life For Good”?

The book is currently available at lulu.com, amazon.com, BN.com and out of the trunk of my car. (That was a hip-hop mixtape joke.) There’s a very easy link to follow on my twitter profile.

Facebook: facebook.com/thedarrylstephens
Twitter: twitter.com/darrylstephens
Instagram: @darrylstephens
Tumblr: darrylstephens.tumblr.com
(and for fans of my novel SHORTCOMINGS, which as you know, is adult in nature, the NSFW androfiles.tumblr.com)

Portrait of Darryl Stephens photographed by Dexter Brown.